The holidays a wee bit different this year

Two years ago when I'd been first diagnosed I remember wondering if Christmas '15 was my last. Well I'm still here, but without my girl. In December of '15 there was no way anyone thought her cancer was coming back and that she'd run out of time before me. Cancer is just wildly and wickedly unpredictable, sort of like life. This year Brian and Mary Jo are spending Christmas with me. Brian rolled into town early yesterday afternoon. Mary Jo has now spent a month and a half taking care of me. Three months ago she was here for Jeannie.

There's no way you can even begin to repay someone for dedicating that much of their life to you. You can't even begin to start to say thank you. I'm sure they don't want this recognition. They're strictly doing it out of the kindness of their hearts. And while there are definitely others who've been above and beyond the call, there's no doubt in my mind that my sister has been the biggest single reason for my quality of life in my final days. If she knew I was writing this she'd scream. So we'll let her find it after it's posted and too late for her to stop me.

I also have a long list of people who are ready to do whatever is necessary at the drop of a hat. I'm thankful there are so many and grateful that I haven't needed more help. I continue on a pattern of some days are better than others. I've pieced together two good days in a row now. Tomorrow I hope for three, especially since it's Christmas. It's asking a lot but maybe it will be my Christmas present. We've been invited to the home of a life long friend and I'd really like to be able to make it. 

We've gotten a touch of snow tonight. Maybe it'll be enough to give us a white Christmas. We'll see in the morning. But one thing is for sure. Love to all of you. And a Merry Christmas too.

death inhibitions.

Life is always an adventure. So I've been enjoying the exploration of my final days as well as I possibly can. My last adventure so to speak. At least in life as we know it. I've always known that some people handle death better than others. Some are very comfortable discussing it. Others, you can see on their faces that they'd rather have you pull out their fingernails. Today included a visit from a friend with no death inhibitions (for lack of a better term). It was refreshing to talk with him. Over the course of my life we have made some progress in handling the subject. But we still have a long, long way to go. I probably don't help matters since I'm my normal irreverent self in talking about it. My advice to those of you without immediate departure plans, take your lead from the soon to be departed. You'll find a lot of people are terrified. You might have been the strength they needed just by showing up. Go visit. You'll be glad you did.

Now I may be rambling all over the place here but I can legitimately blame the drugs. Good thing I have my sister here for designated driving. No need to leave too soon. Most of my relief comes from morphine and marijuana. Don't let anyone tell you marijuana has no medical application. I and many others have found it to be superior to pharmaceuticals for pain and nausea relief. But the fact that it's a plant precludes the big pharmaceutical conglomerates from further engorging their already disgusting profit margins. They're doing nothing for the betterment of humankind despite trying to convince you otherwise in their far too plentiful television commercials. Now the morphine they produce certainly is a big help to me. It in turn causes constipation, an ongoing battle in which I currently hold the upper hand. We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Last but not least I'm still eating, just less and less. I know when the pain steps up it's because the liver is enlarging and taking up more than it's fair share of the abdominal cavity. I have an appetite, just not enough space to support an appetite. But it gives me an excuse to go out in search of a place for lunch each day. Who knows if I linger around too long perhaps I'll start doing restaurant reviews.

hospice, not what you think it is

So I've now had numerous opportunities to tell people that I'm in hospice care. What I've found is that most people have an outdated impression of hospice. Sort of that you're hospitalized, hooked to an IV, and gasping for your last breath. But that's not it at all. I'm home and essentially leading a normal life. Oh, things like constipation and pain control take a more prominent role than they do for most folks. But most folks who see me are telling me how incredibly good I look. That if they didn't know how very sick I was they wouldn't think a thing in the world was wrong with me.

Oh, but I know the truth. Saturday I woke up with a pain that seems to have become more permanent in nature. This has resulted in a slight increase in the amount of morphine I take. It kind of reminds me of when Jeannie's liver started to enlarge. Because it has been accompanied by a decrease in how much I can eat. I get that "full" feeling quickly. I do have a good appetite, which is a good thing. My sister is here to make sure I'm eating and eating well. We generally get out for lunch each day. This guarantees that we do get out. One day this week even turned into a 2 thousand dollar stop at Best Buy. 

So why does a dying man spend 2 thousand dollars at Best Buy? Because he decided there's no reason he should spend his final days with a TV that's also trying to leave the world, an iPad that is severely limping, and a desktop that is behaving poorly.  Must say I'm quite pleased with my new Dell 2 in 1 and the 55" Sony. I'm also waiting for a new LL Bean parka to show up. Any of these items are "Christmas ideas" I would have given Jeannie in a more normal year. I might not get nearly as much use out of them as I  would have in a more normal year. But life is anything but normal. I continue to be enjoying it as much as I possibly can. 

Next time I write maybe I'll write about messages I've gotten from Jeannie since she's left. (hint: they've been kind of low-key, just like us) Or maybe I'll say a few words about alternative pain control methods and how well they really do work. Todays agenda includes a B12/testosterone injection. I think we've found a schedule that spaces them out just right. They've definitely been an energy boost.

My turn in hospice

It hasn't even been a month since my last update. Enough to confirm I'm nowhere as reliable at writing as Jeannie was. But changes have been flying. I'm in hospice and they've been fulfilling their mission of keeping me out of pain. They're quite excellent at it in fact. I can't say how well I'll keep this updated so we'll all find out when we get there.

The good news is I have family in town. My sister flew in a week ago when I took a sharp turn to the worse. My buddy Jim was here at my side before that. I was very grateful. At a time like that you know who'll be there for you. They've been conspiring to keep track of me.Honestly it was a wake up call to get  my eggs lined up while there is time. Most of those eggs are in a decent enough line, don't get me wrong. I'm not striving for perfection, concentrating instead on enjoying the time.

As an added plus Mary Jo's offspring Nancy and Michael rolled in. This was of much assistance to the effort called: "Empty This Full House". In future days, details of how deep they dug, and how much they hauled. (hint: it's a job that's not humanely possible)

Rose took a selfie with Mike