In remembrance and a new journey

Following a cancer diagnosis 2 1/2 years ago, and 4 months in Hospice care, Johnny has left us to join Jeannie, his daughter, Tess, our parents, and so many others that he has loved and dearly missed in his lifetime.

I am not the journalist my brother was and I will miss his wisdom and humor beyond what any words can describe, but I will try my best to finish this informative blog that was created a little over 4 years ago.

When I arrived in Columbus in November and he told me he was signing on with Hospice I would have never expected him to continue his battle into March. He had more strength than anyone I've ever known.

We hadn't lived together for this amount of time since our years growing up. Our time through these few months have filled me with memories that I will forever cherish. When he still had the energy to get out each day he was directing me to his favorite restaurants for a good meal and would give me the history of the location while we ate together.  His never ending optimistic attitude of pushing through each day has left me with an impression of how we should live our lives no matter the knowledge we are given of our life expectancy.  Enjoy every day, and make the most of them.  Take care of those we love, and those who love us.

Johnny's past few weeks were filled with more days of exhaustion than he would have let on to those around him.  He was very good at putting on a cheerful voice by phone or best show of energy in the presence of others. He truly enjoyed the visits, the phone calls, and text messages, but his energy had depleted so that he would sleep most days for hours at a time. His humor continued and never failed as late as two days prior to his passing.  He was certain to show me a small smile before his final breaths and I knew all was well as he began his new journey.

Johnny's memory will be commemorated on March 24 at 11:00 a.m. at Sunset Cemetery, 6959 West Broad St., Galloway, OH, 43119. You all are invited to attend and enjoy the sharing of memories of John and Jeannie.You can call or text Johnny's cell and I will answer any questions.  

Hopefully, those who have followed this blog through the last few years of their time with us have acquired supportive health information, including the importance of regular exercise and following a healthy diet, do everything in moderation, extensive research of cancer and the alternatives available aside from what our medical industry may offer us, family memories both fun and some, not so fun, perseverance and never giving up when unforeseen obstacles are put in front of us, and maybe, most important of all, how precious our time is here with the ones we love.

In the words of the Former Boyfriend-----Peace and Love to Everyone

The holidays a wee bit different this year

Two years ago when I'd been first diagnosed I remember wondering if Christmas '15 was my last. Well I'm still here, but without my girl. In December of '15 there was no way anyone thought her cancer was coming back and that she'd run out of time before me. Cancer is just wildly and wickedly unpredictable, sort of like life. This year Brian and Mary Jo are spending Christmas with me. Brian rolled into town early yesterday afternoon. Mary Jo has now spent a month and a half taking care of me. Three months ago she was here for Jeannie.

There's no way you can even begin to repay someone for dedicating that much of their life to you. You can't even begin to start to say thank you. I'm sure they don't want this recognition. They're strictly doing it out of the kindness of their hearts. And while there are definitely others who've been above and beyond the call, there's no doubt in my mind that my sister has been the biggest single reason for my quality of life in my final days. If she knew I was writing this she'd scream. So we'll let her find it after it's posted and too late for her to stop me.

I also have a long list of people who are ready to do whatever is necessary at the drop of a hat. I'm thankful there are so many and grateful that I haven't needed more help. I continue on a pattern of some days are better than others. I've pieced together two good days in a row now. Tomorrow I hope for three, especially since it's Christmas. It's asking a lot but maybe it will be my Christmas present. We've been invited to the home of a life long friend and I'd really like to be able to make it. 

We've gotten a touch of snow tonight. Maybe it'll be enough to give us a white Christmas. We'll see in the morning. But one thing is for sure. Love to all of you. And a Merry Christmas too.

death inhibitions.

Life is always an adventure. So I've been enjoying the exploration of my final days as well as I possibly can. My last adventure so to speak. At least in life as we know it. I've always known that some people handle death better than others. Some are very comfortable discussing it. Others, you can see on their faces that they'd rather have you pull out their fingernails. Today included a visit from a friend with no death inhibitions (for lack of a better term). It was refreshing to talk with him. Over the course of my life we have made some progress in handling the subject. But we still have a long, long way to go. I probably don't help matters since I'm my normal irreverent self in talking about it. My advice to those of you without immediate departure plans, take your lead from the soon to be departed. You'll find a lot of people are terrified. You might have been the strength they needed just by showing up. Go visit. You'll be glad you did.

Now I may be rambling all over the place here but I can legitimately blame the drugs. Good thing I have my sister here for designated driving. No need to leave too soon. Most of my relief comes from morphine and marijuana. Don't let anyone tell you marijuana has no medical application. I and many others have found it to be superior to pharmaceuticals for pain and nausea relief. But the fact that it's a plant precludes the big pharmaceutical conglomerates from further engorging their already disgusting profit margins. They're doing nothing for the betterment of humankind despite trying to convince you otherwise in their far too plentiful television commercials. Now the morphine they produce certainly is a big help to me. It in turn causes constipation, an ongoing battle in which I currently hold the upper hand. We'll see what tomorrow brings. 

Last but not least I'm still eating, just less and less. I know when the pain steps up it's because the liver is enlarging and taking up more than it's fair share of the abdominal cavity. I have an appetite, just not enough space to support an appetite. But it gives me an excuse to go out in search of a place for lunch each day. Who knows if I linger around too long perhaps I'll start doing restaurant reviews.

hospice, not what you think it is

So I've now had numerous opportunities to tell people that I'm in hospice care. What I've found is that most people have an outdated impression of hospice. Sort of that you're hospitalized, hooked to an IV, and gasping for your last breath. But that's not it at all. I'm home and essentially leading a normal life. Oh, things like constipation and pain control take a more prominent role than they do for most folks. But most folks who see me are telling me how incredibly good I look. That if they didn't know how very sick I was they wouldn't think a thing in the world was wrong with me.

Oh, but I know the truth. Saturday I woke up with a pain that seems to have become more permanent in nature. This has resulted in a slight increase in the amount of morphine I take. It kind of reminds me of when Jeannie's liver started to enlarge. Because it has been accompanied by a decrease in how much I can eat. I get that "full" feeling quickly. I do have a good appetite, which is a good thing. My sister is here to make sure I'm eating and eating well. We generally get out for lunch each day. This guarantees that we do get out. One day this week even turned into a 2 thousand dollar stop at Best Buy. 

So why does a dying man spend 2 thousand dollars at Best Buy? Because he decided there's no reason he should spend his final days with a TV that's also trying to leave the world, an iPad that is severely limping, and a desktop that is behaving poorly.  Must say I'm quite pleased with my new Dell 2 in 1 and the 55" Sony. I'm also waiting for a new LL Bean parka to show up. Any of these items are "Christmas ideas" I would have given Jeannie in a more normal year. I might not get nearly as much use out of them as I  would have in a more normal year. But life is anything but normal. I continue to be enjoying it as much as I possibly can. 

Next time I write maybe I'll write about messages I've gotten from Jeannie since she's left. (hint: they've been kind of low-key, just like us) Or maybe I'll say a few words about alternative pain control methods and how well they really do work. Todays agenda includes a B12/testosterone injection. I think we've found a schedule that spaces them out just right. They've definitely been an energy boost.

My turn in hospice

It hasn't even been a month since my last update. Enough to confirm I'm nowhere as reliable at writing as Jeannie was. But changes have been flying. I'm in hospice and they've been fulfilling their mission of keeping me out of pain. They're quite excellent at it in fact. I can't say how well I'll keep this updated so we'll all find out when we get there.

The good news is I have family in town. My sister flew in a week ago when I took a sharp turn to the worse. My buddy Jim was here at my side before that. I was very grateful. At a time like that you know who'll be there for you. They've been conspiring to keep track of me.Honestly it was a wake up call to get  my eggs lined up while there is time. Most of those eggs are in a decent enough line, don't get me wrong. I'm not striving for perfection, concentrating instead on enjoying the time.

As an added plus Mary Jo's offspring Nancy and Michael rolled in. This was of much assistance to the effort called: "Empty This Full House". In future days, details of how deep they dug, and how much they hauled. (hint: it's a job that's not humanely possible)

Rose took a selfie with Mike

 

You never really say goodbye

Clearly I'm not anywhere as good as Jeannie was about keeping the blog updated. Mainly because I guess it was always her baby, her soapbox. She always had a message, a thought, or just an update on our lives. But I am remiss in not saying anything about her memorial, which came off better than I ever could have hoped. It was a completely beautiful October morning, sunny and warm (oh how we could use some sunny and warm right now). There were about a dozen people who rose to speak, including myself. 

It's been three weeks now since the memorial. And maybe it's just as well that time has passed before I've written about it. Because weeks later people who were there are still commenting on what a nice gathering it was. Everyone who spoke knew and loved her. Everyone had their own memories and perspectives. That was the beauty of it. It was everything I had hoped for and then some. In the beginning I commented that most often we leave such things to members of the clergy. Nothing against the profession. They do the best they possibly can in those situations. But they never (in most cases) knew the departed anywhere near as well as the people sitting in the audience. 

Some folks have apologized for not having been able to bring themselves to rise and speak. But there's no apology necessary.  How I managed to maintain my composure is still anyones guess. Maybe I had a little help. In all my remaining days I will always be happy we did this the way we did rather than doing the "traditional" funeral arrangements. 

As for my own situation I pretty much decided months ago that I wouldn't do more chemo. If Jeannie were still here I would just to have more time to be with her. She told me in her first go round with chemo that if she didn't have me she wouldn't go through those treatments. I didn't fully understand until it was my time to take the poison. Cancer patients don't do chemo for themselves. They do it to spend time with their loved ones. I'll be scanned again in a couple weeks.  The blood work is already giving an idea of what the scan will show. I still feel fine for the most part. But after watching Jeannie I know just how quickly things can change.

What ever time is left I am enjoying. Taking care of myself, of Tillie and Rose. Of all the loose ends that need to be tied up before my time runs out. Family and friends have been wonderful and considerate. And I've learned a lot about grief and bereavement. It's very tiring for one. It's best faced head on for another. Hospice offers a lot of a lot of support for survivors in the way of counseling and group events that I had no idea existed. What follows is one of the nuggets I picked up there:

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time.
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it to get to the other side.
But I am learning there is no other side. There is no pushing through.
But rather, there is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
Grief is not somethiung you complete, but rather you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish and move on,
But an element of yourself, an alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self. 

                                                  -Author unkown
 

The Memorial

Okay I'll grant you it's not completely normal to hold a memorial a month after someone's passing. But we were never completely conventional anyway. We just appeared to be.The date selected makes it the day before our anniversary. Everyone is welcome. We can do it inside or out depending on the weather. And this gives everyone an opportunity to plan ahead for an occasion than normally can't be planned at all.

If you have questions of any sort don't hesitate to call, text or email me. You can use my number or Jeannie's. I'm doing as well as can be expected. Hope to see you there.

11am Saturday October 14
Sunset Cemetery
6959 West Broad St
Galloway, OH 43119